WHO NEEDS ENEMIES?

A FRIEND CALLED ME UP TODAY.
SAID HE HAD A NOVEL HE JUST HAD PUBLISHED.
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HE COULD READ,
LET ALONE WRITE.
HE PROMISED ME HE WOULD SEND ME A COPY.
ONLY 29.99, PAY ON DELIVERY.
I TOLD HIM I'D WASTE NO TIME READING IT.
HE SAID THANK YOU.

A FRIEND TOOK ME TO THE CLEANERS TODAY.
SHE HAD VOMITED ALL OVER MY NEW SHIRT.
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW SHE ATE MEAT,
LET ALONE CURDLED MILK.
SHE PROMISED ME NEXT TIME
SHE WOULD EAT AND VOMIT IN THE BATHROOM.
THAT'S USUALLY HER ROUTINE.
BUT THE SIGHT OF ME MADE HER VOMIT PREMATURELY.

A FRIEND VISITED ME TODAY.
HE'S BEEN DEAD 15 YEARS.
HE LOOKED GOOD FOR A CORPSE.
NOT A HAIR OUT OF PLACE.
HE SAID HAIR DOES GROW AFTER DEATH.
I OFFERED HIM SOME MILK AND GRAHAM CRACKERS.
I THOUGHT HE NEEDED THE CALCIUM. HE WAS SKIN AND BONES.
MOSTLY BONES, THOUGH.

I RAN INTO AN OLD FRIEND TODAY.
I SHOULD QUALIFY BY SAYING I WAS DRIVING.
SHE WAS CROSSING THE STREET IN A WHEELCHAIR.
I HIT HER WITH MY CAR.
IT WASN'T ON PURPOSE, NOT REALLY
SHE WAS GOING TOO SLOW, I WAS TRYING TO SPEED HER ALONG.
BUT I HIT THE GAS INSTEAD OF THE BRAKES.
THEN I HIT HER, NOT ON PURPOSE...NOT REALLY

A FRIEND WAS LOST TODAY.
I GAVE HIM THE WRONG DIRECTIONS.
HE WAS PRETTY MAD WHEN I ASKED HIM HOW HIS TRIP WAS.
HE SAID IF HE EVER MAKES IT BACK HOME.
AND SURVIVES THE NIGHT.
HE KNOWS WHERE I LIVE, ATLEAST.
I GOT HIM BACK, THOUGH.
I TOLD HIM WHERE TO GO.