THIS IS NOT MY LIFE

This Is Not My Life
by brianlion

I went to see a medium to read my future. 
She was very over weight.
She was a extra large medium.
She did read my future.
She said someone would steal my money.
I didn't believe her until I got the bill.

I bought a box of croutons for my salad.
When I got home, I discovered the box was already opened.
I took the box back to the store.
I told the clerk the air tight seal on the box was broken.
He refused to give me a new box of croutons.
He said croutons were just stale bread to begin with.

I went to the library looking for a book.
I wanted a book on self teaching.
I asked the librarian where a book like that may be.
She refused to tell me.
She said if she told me where the self help section was,
It would defeat the purpose.

I met a man who was Japanese.
He became wealthy during World War 2.
He collected all the helmets from pilots and re sold them.
They were Kamikazi pilots.
He asked them all for their helmets.
He said they wouldn't be needing them anyway.

Sometimes when I am bored,
I will fill the tub with water.
Then I'll stand in the tub.
I'll then turn on the shower water.
I leave all my clothes on.
I make believe I'm in a submarine that's sinking.

My wife took me into the bedroom.
She looked deep into my eyes.
She said, "take off my blouse."
She said "now take off my bra."
Then she said, "take off my panties."
Then she said, "And I never want to see you wearing them again!"