I know it may be too late for apologies.
That's what I fear the most.
I know I failed you both.
I wish I could turn back the hands of time
and change things so we could be together.
I never meant for any of this to happen.
I want you both to know that not a day goes by
when you aren't in my thoughts.
My heart bleeds, my eyes flood.
Most of the time I can't even find
the words to describe the agony I go through each day.
I can barely find the strength to get out of bed.
Many nights, I lay awake and look out the window at the sky.
I whisper "Good night" with the hopes that you, too,
are looking at and wishing upon the same star.
I wish there was a way to ease this pain.
I don't think I can hurt any more.
My eyes are swollen and red.
What happened to us was totally unfair.
We were screwed by the system.
What once were hopes and dreams about our futures
are now but what-ifs.
What if you aren't happy?
What if you aren't safe?
My only links to you are my pictures and my memories.
Your pictures remain on my walls~I can't bear to take them down.
I really can't entertain in my home anymore.
People ask questions about the beautiful children
who's photos they see.
I break into a fit of tears every time I give an answer.
Whoever said "It's better to have loved and lost
than to not have loved at all" had no clue.
He had no idea what it is like to love someone so much
and have them ripped from his life.
The scars from the cesarean sections are more painful now
than they were when the wounds are fresh.
They are a constant reminder of what I had and what I lost.
I'm sorry I wasn't there for you like I should have been.
I'm sorry I wasn't a better mom for you.
I did the best I could, but apparently my best wasn't enough.
They still kept you from me.
I'm still not sure of the reason; I don't think I'll ever know.
The day you were gone was the last day of my life.
My reasons for being; they were ripped from my embrace.
My heart has grown weak; my spirit destroyed.
My hopes are dead; I may as well be too.
A life that had so much potential
was ended almost as it began.
I failed you as a mother.
I failed my family.
I failed myself.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to find my way back.
I've been gone for far too long.
I still celebrate your birthdays
with the hopes that you, too, are celebrating at the same time.
Christmas doesn't mean the same to me anymore.
It's merely a holiday that I'd rather not face.
It's lonely, depressing, and full of heartache.
Right now the only thing that is keeping me going
is the thought that maybe, just maybe,
twelve to fifteen years down the road
you will both want to know meet me and
allow me to be a part of your life.
I will understand if you won't.
I've seen the movies; I know what could happen.
I know there will probably be a lot of resentment
and feelings of abandonment.
I only hope you will give me the chance to explain to you
the situation and allow me to prove to you both
that no matter what you've been told;
no matter what you believe;
I love you more than you will ever know.
I will always love you.
I hope you both are safe wherever you may be.
I hope that you will both, one day, learn about each other
and have the chance to reunite.
And I hope that I will be able to,
once again, see you both...together.
I love you both so very much; I can't say that enough.
Love Always,
"Mommy"


Written October 6th, 2005