Complications

Where do I go from here?
My body is numb
with the cliched autopilot.
My feelings have turned
to soured existances
They are pushing him to me
but I want my long lost 'love'
It's too soon to make choices
on the guy they want me with
but I promised myself I'd have fun
and not get too attached like I always
do.

I scream with a dull voice
scratching the cords with harsh, winded fingers
Stress, anger, and love have mixed
poisoning my mind to sorrow.
Am I alone in this
or is this life just a really bad dream
waiting for me to wake?
I'll admit, he's amiable but I just met his humor
I want the strong guy that I once loved and still.
This man is now back in the States
but does he want me?  Does he think I'm the same?
Does he think that shy, quiet girl still possesses this body?

I guess I'll never know,
I don't know if I'll see him.
If I do, I'll give my heart
all over again.
I can't afford love, though I still love him
He's always had a special place in my suffered heart
Waiting for that place to grow larger
but waiting has been years.
Years of mistakes that have been made
in his military absence.
I fell for someone who gave me attention
but that attention was in vain.
I began to fall for an older man
but he's pushed away
protecting his heart and creating a thick barrier
I can't break through even if I tried.
And I was left with the status of friend to him.