I lay here, in this grassy meadow, counting all my mistakes, as numerous as the stars in the night sky above.
I hear the thunder rumbling in the distance, and it reminds me of her voice, those many years ago…
“He’s your mistake now”…

Mistake….that one, vile word.
A word forever embedded into my head.
I turn onto my side, to stare at the mother and child pair, tossing a ball back and forth…and I long.
I long for her touch…I long for her affection…
But I receive only her prejudice…only her dissatisfaction.
What have I done…?
Was I truly that horrible to look at?
Did I really ruin so many lives?

The rain begins to fall…slowly at first, then faster, and heavier.
I just lay here…letting the water drench me to the core, hoping my some miracle that I’ll become pure…maybe whole again.

But I’ll never be whole…
The lightning lights the sky, as headlights play across my figure…families leaving to return to their homes.

Family…

I had a family once…not too long ago in fact.

But I wasn’t a part of it…I longed to be…I dreamed to be.
But I could never be…

Mistake…

“He’s a mistake…if I could take that night back, I could..but I can’t”…

I would to…that night…16 years ago.
I wish it never happened.

Then…maybe.

Some child would be receiving her love.
And maybe my ‘family’ would never have had to deal with me…a lonely boy, aching to belong.

But no…I was her only child…her last chance.

And they did…they laid their eyes upon me in contempt…no pity…no love.
Contempt..

Was I worth even that?
I tell myself yes…my heart, and my soul, screams no.

Heart…

What kind of heart do I have..?
I care about no one…only hate.
So much hate..
Why.
Why do I hate so much?

It all goes back to that one word…

Mistake…

I’m soaked now…the rain floats down in sheets, covering me with its coldness, while the lightning dances all around me, hand in hand with its partner, the booming thunder.
I stand, but I just fall down...

She’s there, smiling that cold smile.
He’s there too…they all are.

I’m in my nightmare.

I long to scream out, but I have no voice.

I long to run…but to where?

I close my eyes, and reopen them again.

There’s a knife…at my feet.

Placed by my father, at my mother’s beckoning.
I know what they want of me…it’s all they’ve ever wanted of me.

I’m their mistake…

It’s time to make amends.

I bend down, and grab the knife…my hand shakes as I touch the cold metal.

I hear their urging, chanting-like…

I look up at them…the tears in my eyes, the anger in my heart.

Will they really just watch me? With that stone-hard look on their faces?

I don’t want to give them the pleasure…but deep down, I know.

It’s what’s right.

. I raise my arm.

And I bring it down.

I feel no pain...no sadness, or regret

I see only a brilliant flash of light…then darkness.
I wonder to myself…was being a mistake worth all this pain?

I’m not totally sure of my own answers anymore.

I wake up in a hospital bed…to the sounds of all the whirring machines.
I hear voices…its father.

I close my eyes again.

And I know I’ve given in.

I have no purpose.

I shouldn’t exist…but yet I do…and for what.

Everything always goes back to that one word.

Mistake…

What is it to me?

Everything…

Mistake is me.