05-20-10

WHAT IS TO BECOME OF ME?

What is to become of me?

When my reason for birth,

life, honor,

the man I am today,

leaves to join those that went before her.

She lingers here for me,

not wanting me to be alone.

The longing for my father and brothers,

her mother and sister,

ever present in her heart.

Yet selfishly,

in spite of her longing,

I'm not ready for her to go.

She is the last tie to my heritage,

my history,

the purpose for my life.

I'm afraid without her,

my life will never be the same again.

What is to become of me?

“I can't think about that today. I'll think about that tomorrow”

Yet that tomorrow, is getting closer every today.

On that today,

I will be without the beacon, that has always guided me home,

when floundering in a sea of questions without answers.

What is to become of me?

When I have no one to respect,

no one to admire,

no one to look up to.

Will I have the strength to persevere,

to realize my destiny?

Destiny is not a given,

it is not stumbled into,

nor is it the sum of something we have control over.

What is to become of me?

I am an artist with such a personal vision,

will what I've created, ever truly be seen?

Regardless, I will leave a body of work, that one day

might be looked upon with wonder,

as to where and what was it's genesis.

Making art is my life.

A life, very few have been able to count on to survive,

in this world of mediocrity.

The revelation, that it's not important to exhibit what I have made

in my lifetime, has made it's way home.

Perhaps because most successful artist,

tend to compromise their work to fashion.

And tend to believe they become more important,

than the art they make.

What is to become of me?

No one, as hard as they may try,

will ever understand the toll my heart has taken,

from the life I was chosen to live.

I have yet to grieve for those I have cared for,

and am truly frightened of the culmination of grief,

that will descend on me all at once.

What is to become of me?

I am a master of self deception,

without what I believe to be

my reason for existence,

will I be capable of rediscovering

where I left off?

Or will I have the courage

to forge a new path?

All I know, is that when my angel has flown away,

is gone from this world,

I too will be.

Not gone from life, only gone from the familiar.

Gone, because I will not be able to endure

the pity of those who think they know me,

yet have no idea who I am.

What is to become of me?

How can I look at those who could have been,

but were not there,

to experience, what I was privileged enough to.

The nuances of the joys and sadness's

of what an end of a life brings.

Reminding my angel of her past,

and witnessing how that remembrance,

touched her heart.

I tried my best to bring those thoughts

to the forefront of her memory,

so she would know the wonder of her life.

Regardless of what I have done and become,

to do what I believe was best for her,

I will have few regrets

and hope fewer as the years pass.

I know I should have done more for her, than I did

but I too had been though everything she had

and witnessed things she could not.

What is to become of me?

Only You know.

I send up halfhearted prayers

for guidance, leadership and an explanation

of why and what we have had to endure.

But I am either incapable of hearing You,

or no answer has been given.

I find myself dangerously close

to loosing what little faith I have left.

That is until I pray with her and hear that she is talking directly to You,

there is not a doubt in her words.

Her faith, even through all she has suffered and lost

is unwavering.

She is my mother and knows You are listening to us,

so I must believe what she tells me,

for she has never lied to me before.

What is to become of me?

If I loose her and my faith,

life will have no meaning.

There will be no reason to care, again.

I will need a sign,

something unmistakable, unexplainable, unbelievable,

isn't that what You expect of me,

to believe in something unbelievable?

I know I'm unworthy of such a request,

after being allowed to feel Micheal leave his tortured body.

Yet that was so long ago and I've seen so much since then.

Finding Georgie and now

watching Your angel Vasiliki suffer,

that in itself, is reason for doubt.

Why?

What is to become of me?

I haven't a clue.

I leave this question for You,

since You are the only One

who could know.

G.