'Here we go again', you think. First the dizziness, then the confusion, then the questions that don't stop rolling through your mind. 'Am I real?' You don't feel like it. 'Could this really all be a dream? Possibly.'

    And then everything feels like it could be in s l o w – m o t i o n, but it isn't. Everything could happen or nothing at all. And it's scary. And it's hardto continue on like everything is normal, just for the sake of her. Just so she is happy. Just so they are not worried. You pretend everything is alright, when everything is just the opposite.

    But you continue. With these thoughts in your head.

                                   'Am I in a movie?'

                         'It's possible that I'm just sleeping

              and it's just that I'm having a very real-feeling dream

       or it could be that I'm very much awake and that it just feels like

                                     a very fake-reality.'

    But somehow you know it's all real, and that's the worst part. It all feels so real, and yet... it doesn't. It feels fake, like your life has been a lie. And you remember everything,

                                        your first best friend

                         your first crush

                                the time you accidentally broke moms vase

  the day your dad left

                          that night you cried yourself to sleeping

          that time when you made everyone laugh

                       and it felt so good

                         until you found they were laughing at you

                       instead of with you

    But it's like those memories belong to someone else. Like you're looking at someone elses life, like you stole their body, and their memories, and you're desperately trying to convince yourself that, no, these are your memories, and no, this isn't someone elses family, and yes, this really is your face, your body, your hair and your eyes that you see in the mirror, not someone elses. Or is it?

    And when you speak, it feels like someone else is speaking for you. Like someone else has come to invade this body-that-may-or-not-be-yours. Like someone has put you in the back of your own head. Like they've decided to take over, do the speaking, do the moving, do the emotions, and leave you to just... think. That's all you are now. A thought. A single thought. A million thoughts. But always, just a thought.

    And when the-person-that-isn't-really-you trys to explain all this, it comes out wrong, wrong, wrong, and they don't understand, and you're trying, trying, trying to get them to understand that right now, you don't feel right. And the only way to explain this is saying that you're in a dream, that none of this is real that you don't feel good and to please, just please leave you alone, you want to be alone, please, okay, goodnight, time to sleep, time to start really dreaming. Goodnight.

    And all of this scares you, especially when you get what you want, and your alone, inside this room that doesn't really look like yours, and yet it does. You want to be alone, but it is so much, much worse being alone than being with them. And you love it and you hate it and please, just please. Because there is nothing else to say but please, because you're not exactly sure what you want. What you want is to feel real again, to feel alive and well, and not like you're in a goddamn dream anymore. You're sick and tired of feeling unreal, and you're scared, oh so, so scared of forever being in this place. This place in-between your dreams and realities. And then you start thinking again, because, really, that's all you can do is think.

       'What if I'm stuck here forever?'

                                      This hell that isn't really real, nor is it really fake?

                                           What if I never escape and I die like this?'

   And the fear is so real, and your body is so not, and you think you might just go insane with it all. So, religious or not, you start praying to whoever might be up there, praying for them to, please, please God please, let you out of this hell. Help you through this dream-that-isn't-real. Please. And that's all there is to say, just please, please, God, please, save me.