10 years…

10 whole years of hurting,

Suffering, struggling

With the scar you gave me,

A long, long time ago,

15 years…

15 years ago,

I was born.

Born into a family of addicts,

Into an immediate life of pain,

5 years old,

Only a wee little girl,

But you let him hurt me,

And allowed me to carry the burden for all these years,

Allowed me to doubt everything I am.

7 years old,

A man in a uniform shows up on our doorstep,

He says he has to ask me questions,

He attempts to get the details of that night out of me,

But they don’t succeed and I get scared and I freeze.

7 and half years old,

They sent me to get tests,

To make sure that what was said was true,

But when they questioned you,

Oh no, no way that could be true.

Almost 8 years old now,

And they tell me that indeed that I wasn’t lying,

But how could I lie?

About something so, so vivid in my mind?

9 years old,

It still feels like all eyes are on me,

Even though apparently the law,

Not that I understand that at this age,

Says they can’t do anything about what happened.

10 years old,

I’m beginning to learn how to cope,

Even though I really don’t understand,

Even though I probably won’t come to understanding it completely for a while,

Even though it’s still a painful memory.

11 years old,

A trip to the therapist,

A trip I’ll never forget,

She explains to me in detail,

What really happened,

12 years old,

I met my best friend,

Who little did I know come to cling to later in life,

She shows me what she went through,

And I can relate to her.

12 and a half years old,

I met an evil that was difficult to get rid of,

I met the little thing called a razor,

I met something that professionals say is depression,

I met what became my way out.

12 and three quarters year old,

They call me to the consolers’ office at school,

My best friend she is there and I immediately know what’s going on,

They know about my suicidal thoughts and tendencies now,

They call mom and she takes me home, instead of comforting me, she hits me with all I want is attention, hits me with all the verbal abuse I can take.

13 years old,

I’m still hanging on by a thread,

I find out that I’m moving,

A new school, a new place

Hey maybe I’ll get over my depression.

13 and half years old,

Still feeling like I could die,

Still wanting you to hurt like I am,

Wanting you to see the pain,

14 years old,

I start talking to someone about my problems,

And I am able to be happy,

Fighting back all my depression,

But I still want you to feel my pain.

14 and half years old,

I start going to First Baptist church

And I can finally feel comfortable

Even though I have something hiding deep within my heart,

But I’m beginning to truly see the love of Christ.

15 years old,

I accept Christ as my savior for real into my heart,

And I begin to see him work in my life,

I begin to love like him,

But then a major struggle appears,

Just a few months shy of 15 and half years old,

You come back into my life,

Wanting to play the role of a father,

But I struggle to love and forgive you like Christ loved and forgave me,

10 years come flooding back into my mind,

As I begin to see the way you have changed,

But at the same time still wanting to you to be hurt,

10 years of struggling,

10 years of trying to be okay,

10 years of pain that under normal circumstances would be unforgivable,

But today,

I’m 15 years old and I’m a young Christian,

Christ says “love others as I have loved you, forgive others as I have forgave you”

Christ says “whoever hates his brother in his heart also hates Christ in his heart”

So today,

At 15 years old I forgive you,

I forgive you for

10 years

10 years of you being an absentee father,

10 years of pain,

10 years of struggle,

10 years of trying to find myself,

But most of all,

I forgive you for

10 years of hating you,

10 years of wanting you to feel the pain I did,

And 10 years of never realizing that you needed to be loved just as Christ loves me.