You’ve pierced me, but I couldn’t defend myself.
You scarred me and I have yet to heal.
I lie on my back, trying to make sense
of your attack in which you’ve shown no mercy.
I wrestle with thoughts of confusion
as I try to comprehend the reason of your actions.
But then I ask myself,
“Why didn’t I choose to fight back?”

I recall being caught up in my image of happiness.
An image where pain was often avoided.
I thought of you so fondly, but I was being naïve.
I believed that everything was peaceful and easy.
What I believed to be everlasting bliss
was actually excessive numbness,
constant blindness,
foolish apathy.
I marveled at our union as if there would never be any flaws.

Ignorant I was to your suffering.
To your pain I became oblivious.
I’d always thought that you were happy.
Happy...in the same way that I was.
After all, wasn’t I always good to you?
Didn’t I always comfort you?
Weren’t you always confident in what we had?

Maybe I was just being overconfident
by entrusting my hopes in the hands
of a deceitful artist’s conception,
as he painted portrait after portrait of images
designed specifically to cater to my comforting thoughts,
making the most hideous pictures of my imagination
seem like a harmonious array of colors.
His conception created my misconception,
corrupting my perception by use of his convincing words of deception.
It hurts.
The words. The frustration. The accusations.
The fact that my pride was your torment.
In retrospect I saw that all I deserved
was the pain that I’ve brought into your existence.
I feel as if my heart has been disabled.
I’ve become unworthy of your trust,
undeserving of your open arms.
I saw that I wasn’t ready for you
to throw turpentine on my perfect portrait.
But you did what you did
to show me that you cared.

It was hard to see your face today,
or hear your voice in the same way as before.
Yet I couldn’t find it in my heart to turn my back on you.
Although I am still healing
I am no longer hurt.
It was the time that I have spent yearning to be away from you
when I realized that I would be forever damaged
if you weren’t in my life.

September 27, 2004