I hurt myself

Because I wake up hating myself

Thinking maybe you should hate me too

Maybe I’ve developed enough self –hate

For both me and you

All this pain has caused layers

Of self-loathing

The hatred

Comes from my relying on everyone,

Only then to have everyone fail me

I can feel myself blindly cutting

I can not love myself like

You think I should

All this pain

I’ve become a prisoner

I don’t care how much it hurts

I just want to hit rock bottom

Just to stop from free fallin’

I sometimes hate myself enough

To take The Razor Edge Express

What hurts the most

Is your disdain for me

I find it hard to be myself

Around you and your constant judgments

Why do you look at me that way?

You make me feel

As though I was a mistake

The one you regret most of all

You’re still trying to grasp

The fact that I feel pain too

Why can you not understand !?!

It’s not just me,

It’s not just you,

It’s not just them,

It’s not just this, that, or the other thing,

IT’S EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE!

Writing this I feel like

I have no skin,

Everything I touch no mater how slight

Hurts!

Yet you don’t get it

Instead

You blame it on the friends I make,

On the music I listen to,

On the clothes I wear,

Or on the color of my hair,

This pain was here long before

Any choices in friends, music, hair style or fashion were made

The layers are deeper than that,

Maybe too deep for you to understand,

Or realize,

Yet I keep writing,

In a feeble attempt to explain

My pain and suffering

just so you can sleep at night

I’m sorry if I’m flawed,

I’m sorry if I’m just,

Being Human,

But after all I’m only a,

Human Being

Knowing you will read this

HURTS!

Knowing I am wrong

(In your eyes)

And will have to apologize

For the truth on how I feel

Hurts me more than you could ever begin to imagine

Even on paper

I know you’ll ridicule me,

God!

I just can’t stand it

I feel like this

My life (up until now)

Was forced,

Faking my existence

With a smile pleased you all too much

What I hate most is

You taking the fight right

Out of me.

The difference between, you and the razor?

The razor doesn’t talk,

You don’t listen!

How can I focus on short-term happiness,

When you remind of long-term pain?

My heart!

A layer blacken with bruises

And struggling to stay together,

As I bind it over and over again with scotch tape and super glue

It’s a Pandora’s Box

Of blackness, ash, and cob webs

You’ll have no idea

How hard I’ve tried to keep you happy,

While still trying to be myself

I could be okay if you’d just let

Me breakdown

Watching you throw a fit

Over my unhappiness,

Just makes me wanna slit my wrist

Educating you on the truth of my pain

Finding any happiness

I though we once shared

was untrue

And yet all I’ll loose is a half truth

Loving someone who has no faith

In me at all

Everyday gets grayer and grayer

Until it’s just all black

I can’t be all,

You dreamed yourself to be,

So you take your

Frustrations

Out on me,

You welcomed me with needle filled arms,

The razor welcomed me with bloody kisses,

So far you’ve made all my nightmares come true,

You’ve left me alone haven’t you?

You're so full of shit

You’re only there for me when there’s

Something in for you

Your actions contradict your words

You tell me to “Grow up”, to

“Take responsibility, for yourself”

How can I, when you hurry to clean up my mess?

Even though I never asked you to,

And you only do it to conceal the fact

That I have problems

GOD DAMN your

SELF-RIGHTEOUSOUSNESS

Every time I get to this point

“Are you okay?”

That’s all you will say,

As if I had a choice!

I tried to be fair,

I tried to live life the way you demanded,

But it left the taste of

Acid Pop Tarts in my mouth

You think I want, or need your pity!

Or new pills so, I can pretend to be

“NORMAL”

All the pity and pills in the world,

Won’t save me from myself,

Maybe I don’t need new drugs,

Maybe what I need is a new life

You’re the one who claims to care!

I’m contemplating suicide

So where the hell are you?

Got razor to my wrist,

All it does is make me bleed.

Got pills in hand,

All they do is make me sleep.

Here I am

I’ve gotten so use to your inaction

That I’m actually hoping

You don’t notice the

Cuts running up and down my arms,

Or the shame on my face

Maybe I have trash can beliefs,

Maybe being myself

(Truly myself, without compromise

Or apology) Is the damnable sin you

Say it is

I’m sure all you say,

And more

Is truth for you

But then again…

Maybe I’m just not gunna play your games anymore,

Maybe that’s what you’re really mad about

And yet given all that has

Come to light in this poem,

I know one thing you don’t

Under all your money,

Under all your “Chari,ty work”

Under all your layers,

You’re more FUCKED UP THAN I AM