Self Harm

It's that familiar feeling again.
You wake up and see blood stains on your sheets and feel the stinging on your arms and legs.
You thought you were doing so well, thirteen days since the last time.
You feel numb, dazed, confused and almost hungover from what you've done.
You can hardly get yourself out of bed, can't remember the last time you ate and only have sketchy memories of yesterday.
You recall sitting in your room listening to violent and depressing music. Something was welling up inside and it felt like at any minute you would self destruct.
You feel your eyes welling up with tears, but seem incapable of crying, so you wait for the inevitable rage to come as past horrors flood back into your mind from the depths of your soul. You can't seem to calm down and don't understand how this got so out of control, but you know only one solution. You dig your nails into your arms and scratch at old scars, knowing that it will not be enough. Then you go to the bathroom and look in the mirror with hate, anger and disgust. Like a ritual, without thinking about it or seeming to be able to stop yourself, you pick up a knife, razor, piece of glass or shard of plastic, anything within reach, and begin to seek your relief.
Blood drips down and you sanitize the wounds with alcohol to feel more pain before moving on to the next cut again and again until you become calm and sense the wave of peace coming that brings you rest. You have been told it is a sick and dangerous behavior, yet somehow it helps you feel real, human and whole again. Sometimes you think you deserve the pain and sometimes people tell you it is all about attention seeking. Some people think you are sick and some say you are weird; either way very few will ever get close enough to know you and the pain that lives at the core of your being.
Some say this is suicidal behavior but they don't understand that it ultimately is an act which celebrates the will to live and not to die. It chronicles the constant struggle to maintain any semblance of emotional equilibrium. Self harm methods may not be pretty, but they are a coping mechanism. Albeit a punitive, unpleasant and potentially dangerous one, they work nonetheless. They work quickly and effectively even if the relief is only temporary. They help you cope with strong emotions that you don't know how to deal with otherwise and can't seem to adequately put into words.
So next time please don't tell me that I am sick and don't tell me to stop, because if I knew how to control it or find relief in any other way I would. Don't try to make me feel guilty as I already feel far more of that then I can bear. Instead listen to me, support me, hold me and help me learn to love myself.