Following My Friend

3 Comments

Following My Friend


I looked out for him.  That is what my best friend Brian said.
The photo studio had taken many photographs of the two of us.
Brian picked one out, and said: "This is the one to enlarge."  (We were allowed one.)
I said, "No, Brian, not this one; look--your eyes are closed."  Brian's bright brown eyes.
He replied: "But your eyes are open.  It shows that you are looking out for me."
Looking out for him.  Looking out for my lifetime's most loved, very best friend.
I tried. Mostly I succeeded.  But finally I failed.
I could not keep that hospital emergency room doctor from killing Brian.
I now know things I could have done, and should have done, to save him.
But it is too late now.  Brian is dead.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
So now there is this beautiful image--precious Brian with his beautiful smile,
And my arms around him, like a protector--his hand pressed on my chest--
An image of love perfectly showing.  Two straight guys who loved each other deeply.
Differences, few and complementary; in most ways, so many ways, two peas in a pod.
Now that photo is large and shows two living friends.  But it reminds me that I failed.
My eyes were open; and I was looking out for Brian; but I was stupefied
By the then-inexplicable hostility of the emergency room doctor.  His harsh reply,
When I told him I was Brian's care-taker and his closest friend: "That means zero here."
Later, he threatened to remove me for interfering--for giving Brian a low-sugar Gatorade,
Approved by his own nutritionist; I could not guess this doctor had the morals of Mengele,
And intended to make sure that the food and treatment Brian needed to live meant zero.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The doctor insisted that Brian was competent and wanted hospice; though I told him
Brian did not know the full meaning of the word.  I had wanted Brian not to fear hospice;
I had taken him to a provider.  I told him that, when the time came, I would make sure
He was well cared for.  Brian got Kool Aid and cookies; a pastor came to us and prayed.
Oh, many prayers we prayed!  The hospice visit had been good; Brian's day was made.
So Brian thought hospice just meant treats, and good people helping and praying with us.
I told the hospital doctor to ask Brian in plain English if he wanted to continue treatments;
And if he wanted to continue to live.  Brian will tell you he wants to live as long as he can.
A rude, insensitive doctor; but I did not suspect the truth.  Brian's emergency was over.
He should be sent home.  Why was an emergency room doctor talking about hospice? 
If the doctor had let us be, Brian and me--we would have found him real hospice, in time--
Where Brian could have enjoyed eating, relieved of ascites-fluid pain, and felt loved.
The doctor intimidated him so bad, that Brian was too afraid even to say he was hungry. 
So the doctor cold-bloodedly starved Brian to death, inflicting involuntary euthanasia;
And cruelly refused, all twelve days, to drain his ascites--painful, deadly fluid build-up.
Brian wanted to live as long as he could.  Only the week before--"Michael," he told me,
"Just the joy of breathing makes me glad to be alive."  But he was able to do a lot more;
He was walking and talking and driving; reading books and watching movies; thriving;
And he had finally begun to eat well again, with the Marinol giving him a good appetite.
Brian had at least several more months of good life left to live, and to love the light.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Brian's cancer didn't kill him; the hospital doctor decided ruthlessly to end his life.
The doctor put him on NPO: Nothing by mouth.  He had done that for the first three days.
Then, when Brian was allowed to eat and drink again, I spoon-fed and fork-fed him;
And he began to eat well, and with enjoyment, again.  For a few good days, we planned.
We talked.  Then suddenly, slam: the doctor shut the door on food and drink once more. 
Without discussion.  With Brian so thin and malnourished.  For a test Brian didn't need--
For minor bleeding we already knew all about, for more than a month before;
We'd been told by Brian's outside doctor what was causing it and it wasn't serious.
But Brian was forbidden to eat, and the doctor would not listen to either Brian or me.
Brian was forced to go without food or drink, supposedly waiting for a test he didn't need,
For a scandalously, negligently, deliberately long time.  A week without food or drink.
Each day we hoped the test would be done, to free him.  I could not really think
That he could be cut off from food and water for a whole week!  But the days went by.
I could see it then; I finally put it all together, and I could see why:
Ignorantly thinking Brian wanted hospice, the doctor wanted to cause Brian to die.
But this was not the comfort of hospice; this was pain and suffering, in sheer horror.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
For a week, Brian was too afraid to say that he was hungry. 
Then Brian told visitors who asked him how he was:
"I haven't eaten in a week.  I'm really, really hungry.  Could you get me some food?"
I had thought that his appetite had mercifully gone away again.  
It grieved my heart to hear that he was hungry all that time.
Why, Brian, didn't you tell me you were hungry?  He feared I would raise a big fuss--
If I knew he was suffering from hunger--and that the doctor would take me from his side.
I had been begging nurses, and everyone, to help us get Brian some nourishment.
I kept begging: "Tell the doctor Brian needs food."  He wasn't even intravenously fed.
I wish I had yelled out: "My friend is hungry, he needs food!  Now! Get the doctor!" 
Brian was clearly malnourished when he arrived, and had just gotten back his appetite.
I wish I had yelled, loud and demanding!  In the hospital bed he lay, pitifully frail and thin.
Maybe I would have been removed--the doctor didn't care about me or Brian--about us--
He committed a horrible sin and terrible crime--or there is no such thing as crime or sin.
Finally, Brian's body couldn't take it anymore.  I stayed by his side, praying, until he died.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
I saw his eyes looking at me, eyes full of longing for life--dark with sadness and fear--
Pained with hunger and the pressure and pain of neglected ascites fluid build-up.
I looked at him, feeling for him so much compassion and love; and he was looking at me.
Brian did not die of cancer.  He died from the arrogance of a doctor who refused to listen,
Who ignored Brian's instructions to talk with me, and ignored Brian's requests to talk;
And so, ignorantly and deliberately, the doctor stopped Brian from eating and drinking,
Refusing repeated requests to have Brian's belly drained of the painful, deadly fluid--
Allowing ascites fluid to build up so long, his belly looked bursting--big as a beach ball. 
This fluid build-up, if neglected--it is well known--can cause congestive heart failure.
That killed him, too.  Instead of beg, I should've yelled: "Drain this poison from my friend!"
No eating or drinking--not even intravenous feeding--
His body weakened by chemotherapy, and by a month of barely eating before Marinol-- 
No draining--plus intimidation, negligence, and patient abuse--all stopped Brian's heart. 
I suffered to stay, weeping and grieving over his body, till they came to take him away.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
His cancer didn't kill Brian; he was murdered.
But my cancer, now active again, will probably kill me.
All I know is that I am not afraid anymore to die.
I have too much love turned loss; too much joy has become sorrow;
Too much gratitude is ground into regret; too much love is lacerated with grief.
Knowing that I failed Brian in this final trial tears my heart to pieces.
It is too hard for me to swallow.
Somewhere, or nowhere, my precious friend Brian waits for me.
Wait for me, my friend.  I will follow.


=====================
Written by Michael LP, aka MLP
aka PoetWithCancer, aka PWC, aka Mr. Poet
Written on Wednesday, February 9, 2011 6:55 pm PST
Copyright (C) 2011 by Michael L.P. All rights reserved

Poem Comments

(3)

Please login or register

You must be logged in or register a new account in order to
leave comments/feedback and rate this poem.

Login or Register

stigbohnolsen commented on Following My Friend

03-23-2011

Can I see the picture of you and Brian? I'd really like to

HarverTomsson commented on Following My Friend

02-10-2011

This one is so difficult to sit in judgment, even at the request of a friend. Let me say that there may be a dimension of poetic cadence absent in places where the passions run the deepest. And yet, having read this, it is hard to see where word sculpting would augment the message contained. Your friend would have loved the passion and the transparency with which you portray your relationship. He also would sympathize with your attempt to gather rage and love and declare them in brilliant flashes of thoughtful expressions. the words, "He didn't have to die, not yet, and not this way." sum the sorrow and regret. Somewhere he waits, affirms indomitable hope. Christians believe in happy reunions for loved ones separated by death. Here's to your world view, hoping that it will carry you both through death's vale to your own place of transcendence. An old gospel song keeps running through my mind . . . "there'll be no dark valley when Jesus comes, to carry His loved ones home."

abuelita1 commented on Following My Friend

02-10-2011

Pain, doubt, fear and uncertainty lived inside my heart for many years. Although my eyes are big I was blinded by the emotions I felt. Until the burden I carried weighed me down and started drowning me in my own grief, did I "fight" for life. Life never guarantees happiness or righteousness. We live in a flawed world. We all are imperfect beings trying to survive the best we can. But, guilt is not something you need to own as far as Brian goes. Would he think you failed him?? In my heart and mind I know he would not hold you accountable for what happened. Think about that my friend. As much as Brian trusted you, you were there. Remember the happy times. The times you both laughed, smiled and enjoyed the company of each other.

Poetry is what is lost in translation.

Robert Frost (1875-1963) American Poet.

PoetWithCancer’s Poems (224)

Title Comments
Title Comments
Happy Winter Solstice 1
Seasonal Ring 1
My Thanksgiving 0
God's Word 1
Under the Date Tree 1
A Few More Times 1
Divine and Diabolical World 0
Summer-Brief 2
Seasonal Ring 0
Shakespeare's Birthday and Death 0
Special Brian 0
I Remember Brian 0
Light of Life 0
Pain Has Defeated Me Today 1
The Old, Old Words 0
Home Is Where the Heart Is 0
A Sad Contemplative Christmas Today 0
Moments of Memory; In Memory of Moments 0
Sun and Rain, Joy and Pain: I Miss My Friend Brian 0
Dehumanized and Clinicized--N
OT
1
Not Full 0
Love, Loss, and Lennon 0
Dying Dream 0
Brian's Pure Love for His Lady 0
Two Loved Ladies Undergoing Surgery Now 0
The Masks Fall Off at Midnight 1
Prime of Life 1
Low Energy and Less Time: And Too Many Things to Do 1
Happy Veterans Day, Brian 0
Happy Veterans Day, Brian 0
Thanksgiving 0
Autumn of Year; Autumn of Life 0
Brian's Birthday and New Year's Eve 0
Under a Constant Star (9/11) 0
Deep Time 0
Is There Anything Out There 2
Classics in the Closet 0
Nobody 0
Feeling the Wind 0
The Wild Doe and the Hunter 0
Happy Birthday, Brian 0
The End of the World: Saturday, May 21, 2011, 6 pm PDT 1
Brian's Special Smile 0
Broken Birth 0
Missing Brian 0
Focus: Today, Happy 0
I Love You, Brian 0
The Ways and the Words of You 1
Stone Cry 0
Amore Immortale 0
Reality and Unreality 1
Lyrical Life 1
Easter 0
Shakespeare's Birthday 0
Friends During Need 1
Death--A Play--or the Final Act 0
Moods 0
I Was Worried About You 0
Song of Life 2
Me 1
Oh Mother of My Life, My Mind, My Heart--Happy Birthday (Sunday, April 3, 2011) 0
Your Money or Your Life 1
Poesis 0
A Last Look at the Moon 0
Tears for Brian: My Tears Spring Suddenly 0
Seventeen in the Past 1
Clusters 1
Suffering and Dying Where Love Is Least 1
Looking at People in a Restaurant, Talking to Brian 1
Brian Cannot Come Back to Me 3
Seven for Heaven: Human Haiku/Senryu, On Two Straight Guys Who Loved Each Other 3
Five Human Haiku (Senryu): Faithful to the Perfect Form 0
The Scream 3
Life Is 8
Following My Friend 3
Small Moments (Written by Patricia, for Brian) 1
For Precious Michael (Written by Patricia, for me) 4
Dream of Life, Dream of Friendship, Dream of Love 4
The Power to Create 4
A Single Fortune Cookie 6
The Meaning of Life 2
Dreamless 3
Prayers 3
Lost Love 2
I Thank My Mother for My Birthday and for Her Wonderful Mother Love 3
Lennon Lost His Life: And Now, So Has Teena Marie 2
All the Way with Part Way 2
Loving, Living, and Dying 6
Dreaming and Seeming 3
Poem Prayer 2
Science, Poetry, Philosophy, and More 2
Super A, Abuelita1--Th
ank You for Your Support, Caring Love, and Understanding
2
Wonderful Connie 1
Someday-Dying 2
Between Yes and No 3
Love of Life 1
Zappa the Magnificent 1
In the Midst of Life 2
Only One Death 1
Real Illusion 1
The Unknown 1
My Apparently Known Possible Fates in This World 1
No More Me 2
Someone 2
Leaving Life 1
Precious Jade 2
Fear and Grief and Going: Unguilty of the Grave 1
Using and Losing Time 1
Loveless Life 2
Good Life, Good Grief 1
Dreamless 1
Ontology versus Oncology 1
Now Time 2
No Present, No Future: All Past 3
Hippocratic Hell 1
First Light 2
Almost At the Limit [--A Sonnet] 1
Death-Trap 0
Broken 1
Birthday Termination 1
Moments 1
First and Last Cry 1
Love 2
Final Fragility 1
End of the World 1
Tripping 1
Seasonal Ring 1
Gifts that Go and Still Stay 1
Sidney Says: Advice to Poets and All Writers 3
Enthusiasm: God Within 3
Send Me Your Good Will, or Pray For Me--Please 1
Feeling Each Other's Pain 1
Snow Man for a Low Man 0
Explanation of My Poem "As If the Last" 2
New Year, No Love 2
Poetic Form 0
Guilty Pleasures: Not Guilty 2
About Me 1
Live, Laugh, and Love 4
Nothing Special 2
Why a Writer Writes 2
To Sarah Y and Her Beloved Little Boy Who Cries Out: Again! 1
I and You: Unique and the Same 1
Where's the Compasssion in Our Health Care System? 0
Lonely Girl, I'm Feeling the Way You're Feeling: But We Can Both Make It Through 3
Health-Care Reform and Hell on Earth 3
Psyche 3
My Bucket List (For Now) 4
My Most SCARED Moments 2
Children of the Stars 2
Passing Life's Test 1
Why More Now? 1
Remembering My Grandma on Thanksgiving Eve 3
Another Thursday, Another Hammer 4
Thursday's Hammer 1
New Birthday 2
Let Love of Life Light Up the Psyche of Fawn 1
To Angel Eyes: The Wonders of Your Life 1
Regarding the Lack of Fall in Texas 2
Light for the Fight 2
All That I Have 3
Shine 2
As If the Last 2
Here Now 1
All in Time 2
The Exile 2
Incurable and Terminal 4
Tripping 2
One More Tomorrow 1
My Dash 4
One of Two Is Stronger 1
No More Romeo; No More Juliet 1
Friendship and Life 1
Snow and Life 3
Live Spelled Backwards 1
Sarah Y 2
To Fly 2
My Cry 1
Moment of Madness 2
Fall From a Great Height 1
A Memory 1
Less Life; No Loving 2
A Loser, True 2
Time Stop 1
Final Sleep 1
Entre Enfer 1
Flying Life 1
One Would Have Been Enough to Make Life Worth Living 5
Once 3
The Haiku Form 2
Bridge to a Comet--Your Visits and Comments to Me 4
Get Well Soon, Luna Marie 2
Winging It (a human haiku, or senryu) 3
Light Locomotive 2
Skite, Where Were You Today? Where Are You Tonight? 2
Angel's Wings, Angel's Voice 4
Shy, but Not Too Shy 2
High Coo 4
From Night to Night 3
Life's Journey's End--Cut Short by Cancer 4
Love, Light, Life, and Night 2
Fear and Courage 1
Death in Life 3
Unknown Final Fate 3
To Right a Poem 4
Crab-Like Concealed 4
Soon 2
All in the Mind 3
Ebony Shine 3
On My Nephew Naming His First-Born Son After Me 5
Love, Loss, and Lennon 3
Eqinox 4
Feeling My Heart 5
The Best Person I Ever Knew: My Best Friend--Brian 2
In Memoriam, George Difficult 3
Lovers 7
Art 5
Things to Do 4
Plane on Fire 3
Ameliorator 5
Thanksgiving 7
Worlds of Light 24
Failure's Fortress 13
Song of Life (Original Version) 13