when then owwww emotion pain

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Poem Commentary

please don't leave me

when then owwww emotion pain

Its strange I never knew it would be you
all the times i saw you from a glance but
last year everything changed I finally knew your name
but since you've smiled nothings been the same

So quickly you've taken over my heart
Through a comic and looking into your eyes
last year we talked and i dreamed you and me
It lived but then you changed the script
When I fell for you 
I fought it at first but I felt
you already starting to come first

Brief and sudden my feelings were surpressed
we parted ways and little did I know
love had came your way
she was pretty smart and most of all held your heart
I fought my tears and wished away the hope
that came the  moment after we meet again and
you remembered my name

It got out of control my emotions
my fears my doubts the lonely ache and pain
you try so hard but i was blind
but without you apart of me dies inside
how could i offer you anything when you are everything

I can't bare to cause you pain for you
I wanted to be better I tried to move on but
Even he never came I bothered you when
the ache overflowed I wanted to be held
I wanted you to talk to me

I knew we couldn't be but
maybe I hoped you'd remember me
til I realized I wasn't being fair
butt its too late your gone and
probably hate me


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gmcookie commented on when then owwww emotion pain

10-24-2010

Deadboy, This one ends on a bitter note. But every ending offers the opportunity of a new beginning. I like the structure of this poem better. From a technical point of view, I'd suggest that you work on the rhythm a bit more. Get a rhythm going, like a horse's gait and try not to break stride. If you read some of my poems you will see what I mean.

Deadboysdontcry

11/11/2010

I dont really know how to write poems I just do my teacher told me to post them somewhere so i ended up here but I'll try to work on rhythmand I cant wait to read your poems :-)

Poetry is what gets lost in translation.

Robert Frost (1875-1963) American Poet.

Deadboysdontcry’s Poems (9)

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NOW JAN. 4 0
Ice heart 0
who i am and what i believe 0
17 in 7 1
when then owwww emotion pain 1
Resolution 0
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Walls 1
dead boys don't cry 3