If it was real, make me stay (in collobaration with hippiegirl)

3 Comments

Poem Commentary

This poem was written in collaboration with 'Hippegirl', another original poetry user. I liked her writing a lot, and she liked cool music :-). So, I asked her if she wanted to collaborate and she agreed. She provided me with a poem, and I broke it down into verses and added my own to create a unique piece. Thanks, hippiegirl, for taking part in this experiment with me, it was a pleasure. Maybe one day we'll write another.

If it was real, make me stay (in collobaration with hippiegirl)

I.

hippiegirl

 

smiling now as tomorrow

approaches today
sunlight mocks me

wish i could stay .

 

II.

bryanpaul86

 

I stepped outside of my home

Took a walk down to the park

And out into the woods

I watched the water in the river flow.

 

As there are active waters

And trees that breathe

There is life in our thoughts

That can reach for miles.

 

III.

hippiegirl


see me sitting by the river
moonbeams dance upon my face
dark surrounds me like sweet thoughts in a dream

 

IV.

hippiegirl


i smell a violet, see a reed
breaks my heart, makes me bleed

 

V.

bryanpaul86

 

It is after the rainstorm

And the day is murky

I reflect in melancholy.

 

A stone in my hand, I throw like a baseball

To toss away sadness, to damn it all.

 

I stop and breathe

With my eyes closed

I feel the wind blow

And I see light.

 

VI.

hippiegirl


eyes meet, spirits mingle
hearts beat loud and fast
dew kisses my skin

cold of night like blood does flow
quiet as earth sleeps below

VII.

bryanpaul86

 

I remember the night

I looked out my window

And saw a young couple

Sitting closely in the rain.

 

In the moonlight

She cried and he held her

To take away a piece of the pain

And he replaced it with a kiss.

 

VIII.

hippiegirl


close my eyes now to remember
a night when the music and moonlight was only ours...

stars awaken.
guitar playing.
souls shaken.

if it was real,

make me stay.



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SavVySam commented on If it was real, make me stay (in collobaration with hippiegirl)

03-28-2010

An interesting direction your collaboration took...A shared voicing of inner thoughts and created memories...Very cool! Nice job!

Jericho1621 commented on If it was real, make me stay (in collobaration with hippiegirl)

03-21-2010

wow, this is a pretty good piece.. It's like a really sweet love piece.. Good work, both of you!

hippiegirl commented on If it was real, make me stay (in collobaration with hippiegirl)

03-15-2010

Turned out great, thanks for asking me :) Honored....

Poetry is either something that lives like fire inside you or else it is nothing, an empty formalized bore around which pedants can endlessly drone their notes and explanations.

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