How do u know I'm hurting if you cannot see my pain? I wear all over my face and it tells the words I can’t even begin to explain! Everyone is fooled by my happy mask. They only assume and don't take the time to even ask.

 So, if you are wondering what is wrong with me?  I will tell you I'm trapped inside this painful world wanting to be FREE!

Here I am once again just lying on my bed. Thinking about many things, thoughts run through my head. Asking myself why this world is filled with so much pain. Many other thoughts I'm thinking I cannot begin to explain.

Wondering how one person can be feeling so much hurt. Wondering why some people make others feel like dirt. The Pain inside never goes; it stays in one place. Inside my head holding on like a tight embrace.

 I can’t help but to relive what has brought me here, I do not want to shed another tear making this the 20th year. See as a little girl I knew that this world had a special place for me, One day I would have it all or better yet be a star just you wait and see.

My mother showed me early all the mistakes I did not want to make, See my mother chose a man not me-she left me broken hearted and consumed with pain to this very day I still can't seem to shake.

My dad oh that’s another story I watched and began to see you have to be heartless, cruel, and hungry,

I realized real early he was a con artist who did not care about anyone and that included even me.

My grandma wow-or should I say ms. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde, a drunk who took things just a little too far, without a question and in a second would cut people with words despite who they are.

When I was 5 I do remember she called me a nigger and laughed at me I did not understand why she had to make me cry-today I realized that words are more powerful even more detrimental then hitting someone across the head.  

My other half or should I say Cherie…my best friend who meant the world to me, I loved her more than anyone as she did me- god I wish it could have lasted forever- her death showed me this just could not be.

At fifteen left all alone to face what is now my realty in this world full of trickery. 

My love my heart Mr. dehaven lee-a life to remember and showed me- get the most out of life and master the art of hustle in every way. 

His love I will chase forever-and will never have or be the same- god why did you take him from me-I needed him to stay. AS HE WONDERS IN heaven and LOOKS DOWN IN Disgust-he PRAYs
THAT my heart full of DECAY I CAN LOVE and be loved AGAIN SOMEDAY.

Our life made others envious and jealous, my demise, my ruin is what fuels their heart, their motivation or should I say malice.

Rumors or scandal it’s not new to me my name forever the headline and topic of discussion even if I do not want it to be.

How dare them-they do not know me-I am not that person they portray me to be-give me a chance I will show you just wait and see.

Instead I learned gossip is the result of inferiority- a sick disease -as I see it-a pitiful group of nobodies, charity cases the new sorority. 

Clouding my vision, placing obstacles in my way- I want to give up and just let go-misery Loves Company and I began to act in the same way-knowing I am no longer myself-what a shame look at what I have became.

Old habits are hard to break-change is hard but, I cannot live like this forever so will go a different direction and change up the game I am not like the others-I refuse to be another lame. 

I live the life most could only dream of- blessed is how I see it.  Karma is inevitable and when you do things from your heart rather than for a payoff you reap the rewards in my case a new set of parents with a lot of love.  Someone to look out for me -yet this causes everyone to be angry.

Lead by example-my kids cannot see me walk in the shoes of so many others or what is expected of me. My place on earth I will leave my mark-etched full of prosperity and wealth no longer the lost riches of most and to the haters to you here is a toast.

Even though I am riddled with sadness and have been dealt another blow, back at square one and lost with despair.  Where do I go, who do I talk to-I have to do something this I just cannot bear.  I have reached an all time low.

Is this where it ends, accepting that in life you no longer get what you want-but, what you deserve. So I think to myself have I been wrong, did I live the right way-was I fair in my dealings-oh my god I am overwhelmed with all these feelings.

Wait a minute- I almost sounded like I was plotting my own end.  I can’t give up now I have came too damn far.  I refuse to lose my place in this race to be a star. 

My pain yes- still wearing the same mask-only now I realize I wear it not to hide my shame but keep me from frowning-see as a child I was told if you continue to make an ugly face-one day it will stay just that very way. Then I would look just like you-uh oh- god this can’t be true. So, instead I put the mask down and I will leave it here just for you.