I am inspired to be the best me without judgment or dismay.....

I am trying to be the best me without holding grudges in my head......

I am trying to be the best me with simplicity and understanding......

Trying to be the best me has turned me into a wannabe.....

I have discovered desiring the life of others is not for me because it's not really them I see. Who I a want to mock, replicate, please and admire are really not the statues on the pedestal that I apply them on. I've been fighting for years to "fit in" and "belong" but not exactly sure where that is and life has to go on. The desire may last for a moment, sometimes even a day but reality is.... it always fades away. Not knowing my purpose hinders me from moving on.

I'm still looking for forgiveness for my intentions that were not pleasing HIM nor satisfying me because I'v just realized "I'm just a wannabe." I wannabe a wife, I wannabe loved, I wannabe filled with a violent spirit of faith but it makes me wannabe alone and feel disgraced because my desires I once had was taken away.

I want to hide my shame because of what's real. The real is I stand alone with only me to hold accountable even though I know in my heart that my God is providable. To grant me my deepest desires if I lean more on HIM and stop putting others before HIM again and again. My God is a jealous God, which makes me jealous too. Truth be told I even sometime envy my child because of You! You granted me with wisdom that I dread to admit I know, which helps me to strive to be a better Christian and a better mother BECAUSE I KNOW. I get upset with you as a disciplined child does but I know better...you do it out of love and that's what really matters.

Love is so tricky and it's not suppose to be when you look at it with a cornal mind. Anything we question about God's love will never make sense in our eyes. He loves unconditionally and forgives without a grudge. He loves us with what he gave us COMMON SENSE and we still chose to love by our OWN desires. We love with conditions, blind intentions, reasons and purposes, none of it is for the generosity that only HE possesses.

Father forgive me for I know I have sinned and today I'm feeling much conviction because of it. I know your love and power will see me through because you have shown me through and through. I'm just in it now and I can't see. I know you will give me the VICTORY to overcome being the wannabe I see.