Mask

Out of fear and mistrust
you asked me to leave...........
feeling ....the pain of the unknown....
having failed this test.....
I believed you just wanted....
time to grieve...

So I left... confused....aching..... feeling deficient...
leaving a mess..........
but for the sake of our kids and our union ....
still hoping for the best
I left w/o protest believing....
you just needed some rest....

my professed love.....
you believed from the start... .
only a ploy to take for myself.....
with intent to hurt and destroy....
without regard for your heart. ..

Reality faced......
our lives at stake
dying inside...
unable to state it....
but felt...mutually
it's burdensome weight....

no one was winning.....
the said life we've been living......
reality faced....
revealed two lives....
out of fear....barely surviving
in fact we were dying......

drowning in life's beautiful lake.......
designed for our growth ......
the abundance around us....
given with mercy and grace...
seen thru selfish glasses of fear and mistrust.....
this inherited beauty....
upon it was placed....
an uncomfortable mask.....
no choices to make.....

Dreams of exploring....with like minds.....
the beautiful lake......
shattered....
out of fear, treading water....
not knowing what binds
alone.....
fearing ......
what is not even our own....
that someone will take.....

Your path thrown down....
not of your choice.......
You had no chance........
stripped of your voice.....

you became a shield for your mother....
an ugly game.........
you were her mask to cover her pain.....
a mask colored with generational guilt ....
and needless shame....

when an enemy is one that you can't name
there is no way to win the battle....
instead, to slaughter...
like a herd of cattle......

not knowing it's name....
choices to make....going insane...
to open your eyes and take a look....
or take control and pass the blame...
you became nothing more than bait on a her hook.....
what is caught...is very plain
as in this pond ...
flows endless pain.....



A dilema created, repeated........
in your mind convinced....
playing this game has a winner....
but in the end....
leaving everyone...
depleted....

your beautiful voice not allowed to bloom......
a terrible game..........
forced into the closet....
a small dark room............
over-flowing with guilt and shame

you grew not wanting the same.....
the freedom to be you.....
not wanting to repeat.....
reality faced.....
You feel the burden....
like a two ton stone.....


decisions to make.....
your survuval at stake......
not knowing the source but feeling the pain.....
the source is the one who declares she loves you....
your mother....
a mask you both wear that only smothers....

leaving you only two choices to make.....
but killing the source would be a greater loss
than keeping the pain...
which is easier to take?

as a matter of survival.....
you had to deny it....
every last bit....


Whether a child or woman......
your mother needed your mind ....
captured and closed....
maintaining her mask....
she would rather die.....
than be exposed....

control she needs....your whole cup
her masks she wears....
worn with pride...
are nothing more than walls built up...
so she can hide...

these chains around your mind ...your heart
painted as love.....
over time tightened......
seeding insufferable pain...with us
right from the start....

convinced its creation was of your own make.........
freedom from it or death would you take.......
freedom became like a game of chess......
winning (surviving) hoping of finding one....
to take away the painful feelings of guilt and shame......
its the only way to win this game .....


Successful she was to keep you in her game......
your pain and her pain together forever.....
binding you tightly.....
denying the pain....
for your children you have to survive......
you have no choice....
but to pass the blame.....

Feeling the pain.......
crying inside......
the void feels miles wide...........
Upset at God for not providing........
looking for others to fill the gap.....

Calling out to God..... confused and afraid......
you beg .... Please send someone to love me..........
ease my pain....
come to my aid.....
if someone would just love me....
the pain will fade......


the tapes of the past.... blasting......
still today from your mother.....
killed the intent of your heart...
to give love unconditionally..
indeed....
instead produced a mask ....
allowing you to believe
that the pain you are spreading .......
is the unconditional love you did not get ....
and so desperately need.........

believing ....
you've given sacrificially.....
empowers the pain that is present............
screaming........
I have given............
now.......
demanding.....
where is mine to receive.....

Psyphter
psyphter@gmail.com
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